Discernment Counseling
for married couples on the brink of divorce in California + Oregon
Discernment Counseling: a unique, specialized, short-term service for mixed-agenda couples on the brink of divorce.
If you or your spouse are considering divorce but are not completely sure that’s the best path, you are in a tough spot. And Discernment Counseling is designed for you. It’s a chance to slowdown, take a breath, and look at your options for your marriage.
Discernment Counseling is a new way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship—and not sure that regular marriage counseling would help--and the other is "leaning in”—that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.
Through the process of Discernment Counseling, I will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later.
The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys and good guys.
You will come in as a couple but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with me, your counselor. Why? Because you are starting out in different places.
I respect your reasons for divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health.
As your counselor, I emphasize the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.
If infidelity is part of your situation, you can read more about my approach to affair recovery here.
What to Expect from Discernment Counseling
Discernment Counseling is a highly structured process — and that structure is part of what makes it so useful at such an uncertain time. You'll come in as a couple, but the most important work happens in your one-on-one time with me. Why? Because you're starting from different places, and you each deserve space to think clearly and honestly about what you actually want — without managing your partner's reactions at the same time.
In those individual conversations, I'll help you take an honest look at your own contributions to the marital issues. Not to assign blame, and not to talk you into any particular direction — but because that self-understanding is valuable regardless of which path you choose. If you ultimately decide to work on the marriage, it becomes the foundation of a strong start in couples therapy. If you decide to separate, it gives you greater clarity about what you'd want to do differently in any future relationship.
Throughout the process, we stay focused on three possible paths: staying in the status quo for now, moving toward separation or divorce, or committing to a minimum of six months of focused couples therapy with divorce off the table for that period of time. My job is not to steer you toward any of them. My job is to help you gain the clarity and confidence to choose — based on a real understanding of your relationship, your own patterns, and what's actually possible.
Most couples complete Discernment Counseling in two to five sessions. It's a short investment of time that can make an enormous difference in such a consequential decision.
Number of Sessions:
A maximum of 5 counseling sessions + an initial phone screen with each partner.
The initial DC intake session is two hours; subsequent sessions are 90 minutes.
Expect to come to Discernment Counseling for at least two sessions.
Session Structure:
Discernment Counseling is a highly structured treatment process that begins with an initial two hour meeting. This first session involves about 40 minutes of us all talking together and me asking very specific questions about your marriage and how you got to this place where divorce is on the table. After that, we will transition into one-on-one time withe each of you where I will help you reflect on your own contributions to the marital issues and support you in deeply considering the three potential paths (path 1: status quo; path 2: separation or divorce; path 3: six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table for that period of time).
If you choose to return for more discernment after the initial session, subsequent 90 minute sessions will involve more in-depth explorations of your contributions and the potential paths largely via one-on-one conversations.
Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:
When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce.
When one or both spouses are ambivalent about the marriage but are ready to try couples therapy to see if they can restore their marriage to health. In this case, couples therapy is the recommended service.
When one spouse is coercing the other to participate.
When there is danger of domestic violence.
Divorce is on the table, but you’re not sure it’s the right choice.
If you're a married couple in California or Oregon wondering whether to save your marriage or move toward divorce, Discernment Counseling may be exactly what you need.
As a Certified Discernment Counselor with the Doherty Institute, I offer online sessions throughout the San Francisco Bay Area, Los Angeles, San Diego, Portland, Oregon and beyond, I help couples gain clarity and confidence about the future of their marriage — without the pressure of jumping straight into couples therapy.
To read my blog article about Discernment Counseling, go here.
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Discernment Counseling is for married couples on the brink of divorce.
If you’re married and one of you wants to save the marriage and the other is both considering divorce and unsure of if couples therapy could help, DC is likely a great option for you. However, if one of you is ambivalent about the marriage but willing to try out couples therapy immediately to see if it could help— couples therapy would be the right service for you.
If, throughout the course of couples therapy, one of you loses energy for the treatment and has serious doubts about couples therapy helping the marriage, transitioning to DC would likely make sense at that point.
Discernment Counseling is a great way of preventing half-hearted couples therapy and ensuring that both spouses are up for the task of working on their own contributions to the marital issues.
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In Discernment Counseling, every session remains focused on discerning between one of three potential paths:
Path One: Status quo. You’re neither working on the marriage nor dissolving it. At the end of Discernment Counseling, people choose path one for a variety of reasons including wanting to do more personal work before committing to couples therapy or making the life-changing decision of ending their marriage; wanting to wait until their children are off to college etc. etc. Sometimes people choose path one while doing a temporary separation. Oftentimes, couples choose path one and then come back to Discernment Counseling when they’re ready to make their next decision.
Path Two: Separation or divorce.
Path Three: Six months of focused couples therapy with divorce off the table for that period of time. At the end of six months, couples assess where they’re at in the marriage (if they want to continue couples therapy; if they’ve made enough progress that they’re satisfied with the marriage as is; or if they’re done with the marriage).
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Discernment Counseling is different from regular marriage therapy in a number of ways. First off, the structure is such that the intensive part of the counseling happens in 1:1 time with me as opposed to all three of us. In that 1:1 time, in addition to providing support amidst this challenging moment, I’m helping each spouse reflect on their own contributions to the marital issues. This introspection is important whether or not you ultimately decide to stay in your marriage. It will give you greater awareness into the vulnerabilities you would bring into any relationship.
DC is different from couples therapy in that we’re not working directly on the negative interaction patterns between you and your spouse. Instead, we’re creating the space for you to decide if you want to work on those patterns in couples three (path 3) based on a deeper understanding of how you got here and your own contributions to it.
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Discernment Counseling is a very specific service that is meant for couples who have made a lifelong commitment to one another either through marriage, having a child together or owning a home together.
It is not for partners who are dating and deciding whether or not to stay in the partnership. In the case of a mixed-agenda (where one partner wants the relationship and the other is ambivalent), unmarried partnership— I would recommend couples therapy. If your partner isn’t willing to do couples therapy but you want to work on your own relationship issues, I’d be happy to work with you in individual therapy.
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The goal of Discernment Counseling isn’t couples therapy, but discerning about the future of your marriage. However, if both you and your spouse ultimately decide on path three (couples therapy), then our work in DC will prepare you well for that transition.
In Discernment Counseling, I’m helping each spouse taking a close look at their own contributions to the marital issues. In every discernment session, we’re working on creating your own Personal Agenda for Change that will prepare you for a strong, focused start in couples therapy.
A Personal Agenda for Change is a document you’ll create that lists the behaviors or characteristics you’ll be working on in couples therapy that will both benefit you and the marriage.
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I’d be happy to help you with your own contributions to your relationship issues via individual therapy. Oftentimes, profound changes can happen in a relationship when even just one partner takes an honest look at their side of the street relationally.
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No. If you’ve already decided you want to end your marriage, Discernment Counseling isn’t an appropriate service for you.
If you need help developing the courage to assert yourself with your spouse and take actions that feel right and healthy for you, individual therapy can help.
If you would like some referrals for mediators or collaborative divorce attorneys, feel free to reach out.
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I’m a Certified Discernment Counselor and I work with married couples on the brink of divorce online all throughout California and Oregon— including Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Oakland, Marin, San Jose and all throughout the San Francisco Bay Area. As long as you are a resident of California or Oregon, we can work together through the convenience of online, video therapy.
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Yes. For Discernment Counseling (unlike couples therapy), I don’t require that partners be in the same space together.
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If you and/or your spouse aren’t interested in taking a look at your own contributions to the marital issues, Discernment Counseling won’t be helpful for you. Discernment Counseling assumes that no spouse is 100% to blame for the issues in a marriage. Both partners have to be willing to own their part of the co-created relational dynamic for any positive change to happen.
Take this quiz.
Choose the statement below that best describes your situation.
I’m done with this marriage; it’s too late now even if my spouse were to make major changes. Go to results.
I have mixed feelings about the divorce; sometimes I think it’s a good idea and sometimes I am not sure. Go to results.
I would consider reconciling if my spouse got serious about making major changes. Go to results.
I don’t want this divorce, and I would work hard to get us back together. Go to results.