We Want to Open Up Our Relationship. Where Do We Start? | Jen Joseph, CST
By Jen Joseph, MA, LMFT, CST | Sex Therapist + Relationship Therapist
Inspired by the work of sex therapy teachers + authors, Tammy Nelson and Martha Kauppi.
It’s an exciting moment to consider opening up your relationship. And if you’re both up for the adventure, you’re in a fortunate position. As oftentimes, couples can get stuck when one person wants to open up and the other either doesn’t or isn’t sure. So lucky you– if you’re in the former category! Being aligned in your desire to open up is a much easier starting place.
While it’s wonderful to be excited about this new adventure, I also want you to know that, like any adventure– it doesn’t come without risk. Risk isn’t a problem, necessarily. But it does mean it’s good to have some guidelines to move forward with so that you can also protect the precious relationship you’ve built with your mate.
One important thing to know is that opening up means trading a degree of stability for novelty, excitement and variety. While that can seem like a really enticing trade-off, it can also come with its fair share of challenges. Which is why it’s perfect that you’re reading this article. It’s crucial to not put the cart before the horse, but to take it slow and be very thoughtful about your next steps. Even couples who love each other deeply and have good intentions can create real ruptures when they don’t take a conscientious approach to this process.
Here's a framework I use with couples who are in the early phases of considering opening up their relationship:
Start With Curiosity, Not a Decision
Before any agreements are made, there needs to be genuine space for both partners to explore, without pressure to arrive anywhere in particular. This is what we call the fantasy stage– and it’s an important, but commonly skipped step.
A few questions worth sitting with individually and then discussing together:
What does "opening up" mean and look like to each of you?
What kind of experiences am I hoping to have?
How much time do I imagine allotting to dating and romantic and/or sexual interactions with others?
What sorts of people do I want to date?
People of the same or a different gender than your partner?
Single people? Polyamorous people? People who already have other partners or are married? Pre-existing friends or acquaintances?
What do I value most about our current relationship — and what would I want to protect?
What excites me most about the idea of opening up?
Why does this feel important to me right now?
What scares me?
Where and when do I think I might struggle?
One thing I encourage couples to do in this phase: start and end these conversations with an appreciation — something you value about your partner, something you appreciate about being able to have this conversation at all. It may sound small, but it can make a real difference in the tone of the conversation.
And a word on pacing: this phase should be pressure-free. If one partner is working on a timeline — "I need to know by next month" — honest exploration is going to be hard to do. The goal here isn't to persuade or decide. It's to be curious and understand each other.
Move Into Requests and Redlines When You're Both Ready
If and when both partners feel ready to move toward actually opening the relationship, the conversation shifts from exploration to negotiation. This is where it gets more concrete — and where a lot of couples benefit from having some structure.
A request is something you'd like — a desire you're putting on the table for discussion. A redline is a non-negotiable — something you genuinely can't move on without it being a dealbreaker.
One distinction worth making here: rules are not the same as agreements. Rules tend to create a dynamic where one partner monitors the other rather than trusts them. Agreements are different — they're made collaboratively, with both people's needs genuinely in mind, and they're understood to be living and revisable as you learn more about yourselves and each other.
The "what if" conversation is a useful one to have at this stage. Take turns generating scenarios and talking them through:
What if one of us develops feelings for someone else? What if one of us wants to slow down? What if jealousy shows up in a way we didn't expect? What if one of us is having a hard time finding dates while the other is happily dating? What if one of us doesn’t like the person their partner is dating?
You don't need answers to all of these. The point is to think through possibilities together before you're in the middle of them so that you have some shared language when they arise.
Make Agreements You Can Actually Keep
Once you've done the exploratory work, you're ready to make actual agreements. A few principles that matter here:
Keep them short enough to remember. If your agreement is ten pages long, it's a legal contract, not a relationship agreement. The goal is something both of you can genuinely hold in mind.
Make them win-win. Before finalizing any agreement, each of you should be able to articulate not just why it works for you, but why it's genuinely good for your partner too. If you can't do that, it's not a good agreement yet. This isn't just a nice idea — it's what makes agreements durable. Two people advocating for their own positions and negotiating concessions produces very different results than two people genuinely trying to find what works for both of them.
Keep in mind that the way to a win-win might be more creative and less straightforward than you might have considered. For example, maybe the win-win is not that we each get to have one date with someone else per week. But maybe it’s one partner goes on a date that week while the other plans a luxurious date night for the two of them
Start small. Rather than overhauling your entire relationship structure at once, try low-stakes experiments first and debrief honestly afterward. Low-stakes experiments could look like: going on a coffee date with someone you’re attracted to but not getting physical or kissing someone new but not doing anything below the waist.
For the debrief, questions to inquire about: How did it actually feel for both of you? What did you need? What worked, what didn't? Every experiment gives you real information to work with.
A Note on Getting Stuck
Even couples with the best intentions hit walls. One partner wants to move forward; the other isn't sure. An agreement breaks down. Jealousy arrives more intensely than anticipated. One person wants something more emotionally involved with dating partners, while the other person’s comfort zone is more casual. This doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble or that you can’t recover from any ruptures that have happened— it means you've hit a place where the two of you need more support than you can give each other on your own.
Ethical non-monogamy done well requires a high level of communication skills, emotional self-awareness and the ability to stay regulated during hard conversations — none of which most of us were explicitly taught. Working with a therapist who is knowledgeable about ENM and genuinely non-judgmental about alternative relationship structures can make an enormous difference — not just in the quality of your agreements, but in your capacity to navigate all of it with more skill and less suffering.
If you and your partner are beginning to explore opening your relationship and want support, I'd love to connect. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation and work with individuals and couples online throughout California and Oregon.
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Jen Joseph, MA, LMFT, CST is an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, licensed psychotherapist and seasoned couples and relationship therapist. She specializes in sex therapy, ENM, and relationship therapy, practicing online with individuals and couples (or triads etc.) throughout California and Oregon.