What to do when you and your partner have different ‘sex drives’? Part 1: addressing the lower desire partner
First off, I prefer the word ‘desire’ as opposed to ‘sex drive.’ Sex drive assumes an innate amount of energy that you either do or don’t have to be sexual with your partner. Desire however, is something that isn’t static and is often highly influenceable.
While desire can definitely be impacted by biological factors such as hormones, aging, illness etc. it can also be positively impacted by quality connection with your partner, having the kinds of sexual experiences that most interest you, constructively working through conflict, and doing what you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally, amongst other factors. In most situations, you (and your partner) can make changes around your desire if you want to.
Another thing to keep in mind is that you may not have much ‘spontaneous desire’ (ie. the horny feeling that comes out of nowhere), but you may have ‘responsive desire’ that can be cultivated and tended to under the right conditions.
Just because you have less desire than your partner, doesn’t mean you’re screwed, no pun intended, forever. As the lower desire partner, if your desire level is a problem for you, I suggest reflecting on these questions:
Do I like the kind of sexual experiences I’m having with my partner?
If you’re not enjoying the kind of sexual experiences you’re currently having, why would you desire more of them?
If this is you, I’d focus on learning about your erotic anatomy and pathways to psychological arousal (see book recommendation below). You want to discover what brings you pleasure and communicate your wishes to your partner.
Are there certain kinds of sexual experiences I want to be having with my partner that I’m not?
For example: am I experiencing the type and duration of stimulation I need to get fully aroused? Are there activities, positions, kinks, ways of talking dirty etc. that would really turn me on and make me interested in being sexual with my partner?
To learn more about psychological arousal and discover your core erotic desires, check out this book.
Do I know how to please myself? Do I know what turns me on physically and psychologically? Do I know how to ask for what I want?
If the answer is no, there are so many resources to start exploring yourself–- books, videos, sex therapists, somatic sex educators, sexological bodyworkers and more. I have many resources you can look into on my website. For a list of international somatic sex educators, go here. To find an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist around the world, look here.
You might also need to do some belief exploration and re-patterning work – do you have any sex-negative or shaming beliefs that get in the way of your pleasure? If you want additional support, a sex therapist can guide you through this process.
Do I experience sexual pain or discomfort?
If so, that can be a huge barrier to desire. Again, why would you desire sex if it’s unpleasant or painful for you?
If this is you, I highly recommend working with a medical professional and potentially a sex therapist to address any pain during sex. Sex should never be painful. Your comfort matters.
Here’s a great book on healing sexual pain for vulva owners.
Do I feel any pressure, internally or externally, to be sexual with my partner?
This can also be a massive block to desire. If you can’t say ‘no’ to your partner, how can you truly say ‘yes?’ Having obligatory, ‘check off your to-do list’ sex etc. isn’t very sexy. Is it?
If you don’t think you can say no to sexual activity with your partner without it leading to a negative consequence (partner withdrawing, getting cold, mopey, guilt-tripping etc.) and/or you judge yourself (ie. “I’m a bad partner for not wanting sex with them, therefore I should never say no”) that would be top on my list to address.
If you’re reading this article, you probably already know that sexual coercion is a bad thing. If you’re in an abusive relationship where rape or sexual assault is happening, I suggest you get help ASAP and get yourself into a safe situation.
However, what I’m speaking to above is internal and/or external coercion that’s subtle. For example, my partner might not mean to be pressuring me. However, if every time they touch me non-platonically, they do it with the intention of it leading to sex— that can absolutely be a form of pressure. If I turn them down and storm out of the room, for example, that can be a subtle form of coercion as it gives me the message that I can’t say ‘no” without there being a negative consequence.
Jessa Zimmerman has a great book that speaks to this common pressuring dynamic in couples.
Couples sex therapy can be super helpful in unwinding the dynamics of pressure and rejection and learning to work with your partner as an intimate teammate.
Do I feel anxious about my ‘sexual performance?’
Any anxiety around sex can be a major desire-blocker and arousal-killer. Anxiety engages the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight reaction) and literally does the opposite of bringing blood flow into the organs that need it for arousal to happen.
Many people who struggle with ‘performance anxiety’ end up avoiding partnered sexual activity because they don’t want to ‘fail’ at sex– hence, low desire.
I won’t go into depth about how to treat ‘performance anxiety’ (which is super common, by the way) but I recommend books on this issue (Barry McCarthy has some great ones for penis owners) and/or working with an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist to get the support you need.
Do I feel comfortable being vulnerable and open with my partner? Do I trust that my partner will hear what’s important to me and care about my feelings and desires?
If the answer is ‘no,’ I would seek out the support of a qualified couples therapist to help you and your partner practice emotionally intimate communication. If you don’t trust your partner to be receptive to you, why would you want to get naked and be honest about your wants, fears, boundaries etc around sex?
Have there been breaches of trust with my partner that make me hesitant to get close? Have I been withholding important truths to my partner and been building a wall between us?
Sounds like you’ve got some relational healing work to do with your partner. Couples therapy can help!
Am I able to be present and in my body enough to enjoy pleasure? If not, what are the thoughts, concerns, triggers etc. that get in the way? Do I struggle with self-judgment, shame, guilt or sex-negative beliefs that get in the way of feeling pleasure and being able to be in the moment, in my body?
If trauma triggers are getting in the way, I suggest getting the support of a good trauma and/or couples therapist. Also see my resource page for helpful books on the topic.
If quieting your mind is often a challenge for you, no matter what you’re doing– I suggest mindfulness practices (you can find some on my resources page). Lori Brotto also has a great book for women on this topic.
If your mind is busy ruminating, is there anything you need to speak out loud to your partner to clear the air?
If ‘performance anxiety’ is dominating your mind - then I would suggest working on that anxiety through books (see several options on my resources page) and/or the help of a sex therapist.
If shame and self-judgment are getting in the way of sexual enjoyment and presence, a good therapist might be your best ally in overcoming those issues.
Separate from my desire to be sexual with my partner, does any of my psychic energy go to sexual topics? On my own, do I ever think about sex, want to masturbate, fantasize etc?
If you used to feel randomly ‘horny’ and no longer do, this could be a product of changing hormones (especially for peri and menopausal women) or a physical ailment that’s impacting your energy and libido. This would be a good thing to address with your doctor.
Is my body able to experience physiological signs of arousal (wetness, engorgement, flushing, faster heart rate)?
Aging and illness can impact physiological arousal. If you used to get physically aroused and currently don’t, I’d recommend consulting with your physician to rule out any disease and get the treatment you need.
For example, peri and menopausal women can experience changes in their physical arousal and ability to orgasm. Heart issues and diabetes can cause trouble with erections. Sometimes the issue isn’t in your head. Go get checked out. Especially if you’re a penis owner who doesn’t experience ‘morning wood’. See your doc asap.
As I wrote earlier, anxiety 100% gets in the way of both arousal and having satisfying sexual experiences. If you’re a penis owner who gets erections on your own but not with your partner, the issue is probably anxiety related.
Am I so stressed out that sex exists worlds away from where I’m currently at mentally?
For many, stress is the big anti-aphrodisiac. If you want to improve your sexual desire, is there anything you can do to decrease your stress? Some examples: asking your partner to help out more in the house, creating a ritual to transition out of your work-day, making time to move your body, doing something that nourishes and uplifts you, developing a mindfulness practice, working with a therapist to address the root cause of your stress, hiring a babysitter if you can afford it etc. etc.
If you want to prioritize a fulfilling sex life, you need to be able to slip into parasympathetic nervous system mode (rest and digest) and metaphorically ‘stop and smell the roses’ for periods of time. If you’re a perpetual stress ball and struggle with sexual desire, stress isn’t helping your case. Emily Nagoski talks about this issue extensively in her book Come As You Are.
As you can see, the list of what can get in the way of desire and desire for your partner, specifically, is quite extensive. To recap: desire can be inhibited due to life stress, ‘performance anxiety’, lack of knowledge of one’s body and pleasure, sex-negative beliefs, relational issues, physiological issues, self-judgment and more.
If after reading through this article, you think your desire challenge is more than just physiological and you’d like additional support to uncover and treat the root cause of your lack of desire, I invite you to reach out to me or another sex therapist who can help.