What to do when you and your partner have different ‘sex drives’? Part 1: supporting the lower desire partner
When talking about how much sex you want versus your partner, I prefer using the word ‘desire’ as opposed to ‘sex drive’. Sex drive assumes some innate amount of energy that you do or don’t have for sexual activities.
Desire, however, that’s where things get juicy. Desire isn’t something static but is actually highly influenceable. No doubt there are biological factors such as hormonal changes, aging and illness that can absolutely have a real impact on one’s desire. However, desire can also be positively impacted by things like fun, nourishing connection with your partner; having the kinds of sexual experiences that most excite you; constructively working through conflict with your mate; and taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. Now that’s sexy!
While you may not have much ‘spontaneous desire’ (ie. the horny feeling that comes out of nowhere. A common experience for menstruating women during ovulation time), for many people, ‘responsive desire’ can be cultivated and ignited under the right conditions.
Just because you have less desire than your partner, doesn’t mean you’re screwed (no pun intended) forever. And if you have low or no sexual desire and you’re fine with it, all the power to you! If your lack of desire is a problem for your partner and your relationship, you two will need to figure out how to navigate the situation. However, just because your partner thinks your lack of desire is an issue— doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you should work on increasing your desire if you don’t want to. Ultimately, only you can know what you want for yourself erotically, and what you want to devote your time and energy to.
As the lower desire partner, if you’ve decided that your desire level is a problem for you, I suggest reflecting on the questions below. Note: whenever I use the word ‘sex'- I mean whatever you and your partner define as ‘sex.’
Do I like the kind of sexual experiences I’m having with my partner?
If you’re not enjoying the kind of sexual experiences you’re currently having, why would you desire more of them?
You need to know what you enjoy and how to communicate your desires (as well as boundaries) to your partner. Keep reading for more information about ways to get to know yourself as a sexual being.
Are there certain kinds of sexual experiences I want to be having with my partner that I’m not?
For example: Am I experiencing the type and duration of stimulation I need to get fully aroused? Are there activities, positions, kinks, dirty talk etc. that would really turn me on and make me interested in being sexual with my partner?
To learn about psychological arousal (an area of turn-on you might be neglecting) and discover your core erotic desires, check out this book.
To get to know your own ‘erotic blueprint’ (sexual, sensual, energetic, kink or shapeshifter), check out this book.
Do my partner and I play, touch, and flirt with each other outside of ‘sexy time’?
If you and your partner don’t flirt, play and have non-platonic touch with each other on a regular basis, it might make it hard to get in the mood for anything sexual. Treating each other like lovers (dare I say, daily, if possible) is so important for keeping the vibe warm, and creating the possibility for further sensual and sexual connection.
If you only kiss and caress each other when you’re having sexy time, non-platonic touch can become associated with sex and otherwise delightful ways of connecting can end up feeling like pressure.
I encourage you to de-couple sensual, flirtatious touch from sex. Instead, make a habit of feeling each other up and making out with no expectation of anything else. Wanna try that tonight before going to bed? :)
Do I know how to please myself? Do I know what turns me on physically and psychologically? Do I know how to ask for what I want?
If the answer is no, there are so many resources to start exploring yourself–- books, videos, sex therapists, somatic sex educators, sexological bodyworkers and more. I listed some above and I have many resources you can look into on my website. For a list of international somatic sex educators, go here. To find an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist around the world, look here.
You might also need to do some inner work around any sex-negative or self-judging thoughts and beliefs you have. Do you have shaming beliefs about your body, genitals, desires etc. that get in the way of your pleasure? If you want additional support, a sex therapist can guide you through this process.
Do I experience sexual pain or discomfort?
If so, that can be a huge barrier to desire. Why would you desire sex if it’s unpleasant or painful for you?
If this is you, I highly recommend working with a medical professional and potentially a sex therapist to address any pain during sex. Sex should never be painful. Your comfort matters.
Here’s a great book on healing sexual pain for vulva owners.
Do I feel any pressure, internally or externally, to be sexual with my partner?
This can also be a massive block to desire. If you can’t say ‘no’ to your partner, how can you truly say ‘yes?’ Having obligatory, ‘check off your to-do list’ sex etc. isn’t very sexy, now is it?
If you can’t say ‘no’ to sexual activity with your partner without it leading to a negative consequence (your partner withdrawing, getting cold, mopey, guilt-tripping etc.) and/or you judging yourself (ie. “I’m a bad partner for not wanting sex with them, therefore I should never say no”), that would be top on my list to address with your partner and/or a qualified sex + relationship therapist.
If you’re reading this article, you probably already know that sexual coercion is a bad thing. If you’re in an abusive relationship where rape or sexual assault is happening, I suggest you get help ASAP and get yourself into a safe situation. However, what I’m speaking to above is internal and/or external coercion that can be subtle. For example, my partner might not mean to be pressuring me. However, if every time they rub up on me, for example, they do it with the intention of it leading to sex— that can absolutely be a form of pressure. If I turn them down and they storm out of the room, for example, that can be a subtle form of coercion as it sends the message that I can’t say ‘no’ without there being a negative consequence.
If it’s not truly okay to say ‘no’ to a request, then it’s a demand. Do you find it sexy when your partner demands and feels entitled to sex with you?
Jessa Zimmerman has an excellent book that speaks to this common pressuring dynamic in couples.
Couples sex therapy can be super helpful in unwinding the dynamics of pressure and rejection and learning to work with your partner as an intimate teammate.
Do I feel anxious about my ‘sexual performance?’
Any anxiety around sex can be a major desire-blocker and arousal-killer. Anxiety engages the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight reaction) and literally does the opposite of bringing blood flow into the organs that need it for arousal to happen.
Many people who struggle with ‘performance anxiety’ end up avoiding partnered sexual activity because they don’t want to ‘fail’ at sex– hence, low desire.
I won’t go into depth about how to treat ‘performance anxiety’ (which is super common, by the way) but I recommend books on this issue (Barry McCarthy has some great ones for penis owners) and/or working with an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist to get the support you need.
Do I feel comfortable being vulnerable and open with my partner? Do I trust that my partner will care about my feelings and desires?
If the answer is ‘no,’ I would seek the support of a qualified couples therapist to help you and your partner practice emotionally intimate communication. If you don’t trust your partner to be emotionally responsive to you, why would you want to get naked and be honest about your wants, fears, boundaries etc. around sex?
Have there been breaches of trust with my partner that make me hesitant to get close? Have I been withholding important truths to my partner and been building a wall between us?
Sounds like you’ve got some relational healing work to do with your partner. I suggest reaching out to a couples therapist as soon as you can.
Am I able to be present and in my body enough to enjoy pleasure? If not, what are the thoughts, concerns, triggers etc. that get in the way? Do I struggle with self-judgment, shame, guilt or sex-negative beliefs that get in the way of feeling pleasure and being able to be in the moment, in my body?
If trauma triggers are getting in the way, I suggest getting the support of a good trauma and/or couples sex therapist. Also see my resource page for helpful books on the topic.
If quieting your mind is often a challenge for you, no matter what you’re doing– I suggest mindfulness practices (you can find some on my resources page). Lori Brotto also has a great book for women on sex + mindfulness.
If your mind is busy ruminating, is there anything you need to speak out loud to your partner to clear the air?
If ‘performance anxiety’, shame and self-judgment are dominating your mind and inhibiting your presence and sexual enjoyment, a good therapist might be your best ally in overcoming those issues.
Separate from my desire to be sexual with my partner, does any of my psychic energy go to sex? On my own, do I ever think about sex, want to masturbate, fantasize etc?
If you used to feel spontaneously ‘horny’ and no longer do, this could be a product of changing hormones (especially for peri and menopausal women) or a physical ailment that’s impacting your energy and libido. This would be a good thing to address with your doctor to rule out any medical issues.
Is my body able to experience physiological signs of arousal (wetness, engorgement, flushing, faster heart rate)?
Aging and illness can impact physiological arousal. If you used to get physically aroused and currently don’t, I’d recommend consulting with your physician to rule out any disease and get the treatment you need.
For example, peri and menopausal women can experience changes in their genital tissue and find it harder to get aroused and orgasm. Heart issues and diabetes can cause trouble with erections. Sometimes the issue isn’t in your head. Go get checked out. Especially if you’re a penis owner who doesn’t experience ‘morning wood’. See your doc asap. There could be a serious medical issue that needs treatment.
As I wrote earlier, anxiety 100% gets in the way of both arousal and having satisfying sexual experiences. If you’re a penis owner who gets erections on your own but not with your partner, the issue is probably anxiety related.
Am I so stressed out that sex exists worlds away from where I’m currently at mentally?
For many, stress is the big anti-aphrodisiac. Oftentimes, stress is unavoidable— a parent dies, your child is sick, your partner loses their job etc. etc. I would ask yourself: “is there anything I can do to decrease or better manage my stress? Or is this simply a particularly difficult season of life and not the time to prioritize my desire?”
If you want to decrease stress in the hope of it positively impacting your desire, here are some examples of shifts you might want to make: asking your partner to help out more in the house; creating a ritual to transition out of your work-day; making time to move your body; doing something that nourishes and uplifts you; developing a mindfulness or meditation practice; working with a therapist to address the root cause of your stress; hiring childcare (if you can afford it) to get some quality alone or partner time.
If you want to have a fulfilling sex life, you need to be able to slip into parasympathetic nervous system mode (rest and digest) and metaphorically ‘stop and smell the roses’ for periods of time. If you’re a perpetual stress ball and struggle with sexual desire, stress isn’t helping your case. Emily Nagoski talks about this issue extensively in her book Come As You Are.
As you can see, the list of what can get in the way of desire and desire for your partner, specifically, is quite extensive. To recap: desire can be inhibited due to life stress, ‘performance anxiety’, lack of knowledge about one’s body and pleasure, sex-negative beliefs, relational issues, physiological issues, self-judgment and more.
If, after reading through this article, you’d like additional support to uncover and treat the root cause of your lack of desire, I invite you to reach out to me or another sex therapist who can help. My email is: jenjosephtherapy@gmail.com
Wishing you great joy and rapture on your erotic journey!