Discernment Counseling

Discernment Counseling is for married couples on the brink of divorce.

If you’re married and one of you wants to save the marriage and the other is both considering divorce and unsure of if couples therapy could help, DC is likely a great option for you. However, if one of you is ambivalent about the marriage but willing to try out couples therapy immediately to see if it could help— couples therapy would be the right service for you.

If, throughout the course of couples therapy, one of you loses energy for the treatment and has serious doubts about couples therapy helping the marriage, transitioning to DC would likely make sense at that point.

Discernment Counseling is a great way of preventing half-hearted couples therapy and ensuring that both spouses are up for the task of working on their own contributions to the marital issues.

In Discernment Counseling, every session remains focused on discerning between one of three potential paths:

Path One: Status quo. You’re neither working on the marriage nor dissolving it. At the end of Discernment Counseling, people choose path one for a variety of reasons including wanting to do more personal work before committing to couples therapy or making the life-changing decision of ending their marriage; wanting to wait until their children are off to college etc. etc. Sometimes people choose path one while doing a temporary separation. Oftentimes, couples choose path one and then come back to Discernment Counseling when they’re ready to make their next decision.

Path Two: Separation or divorce.

Path Three: Six months of focused couples therapy with divorce off the table for that period of time. At the end of six months, couples assess where they’re at in the marriage (if they want to continue couples therapy; if they’ve made enough progress  that they’re satisfied with the marriage as is; or if they’re done with the marriage).

Discernment Counseling is different from regular marriage therapy in a number of ways. First off, the structure is such that the intensive part of the counseling happens in 1:1 time with me as opposed to all three of us. In that 1:1 time, in addition to providing support amidst this challenging moment, I’m helping each spouse reflect on their own contributions to the marital issues. This introspection is important whether or not you ultimately decide to stay in your marriage. It will give you greater awareness into the vulnerabilities you would bring into any relationship.

DC is different from couples therapy in that we’re not working directly on the negative interaction patterns between you and your spouse. Instead, we’re creating the space for you to decide if you want to work on those patterns in couples three (path 3) based on a deeper understanding of how you got here and your own contributions to it.

Discernment Counseling is a very specific service that is meant for couples who have made a lifelong commitment to one another either through marriage, having a child together or owning a home together.

It is not for partners who are dating and deciding whether or not to stay in the partnership. In the case of a mixed-agenda (where one partner wants the relationship and the other is ambivalent), unmarried partnership— I would recommend couples therapy. If your partner isn’t willing to do couples therapy but you want to work on your own relationship issues, I’d be happy to work with you in individual therapy.

The goal of Discernment Counseling isn’t couples therapy, but discerning about the future of your marriage. However, if both you and your spouse ultimately decide on path three (couples therapy), then our work in DC will prepare you well for that transition.

In Discernment Counseling, I’m helping each spouse taking a close look at their own contributions to the marital issues. In every discernment session, we’re working on creating your own Personal Agenda for Change that will prepare you for a strong, focused start in couples therapy.

A Personal Agenda for Change is a document you’ll create that lists the behaviors or characteristics you’ll be working on in couples therapy that will both benefit you and the marriage.

I’d be happy to help you with your own contributions to your relationship issues via individual therapy. Oftentimes, profound changes can happen in a relationship when even just one partner takes an honest look at their side of the street relationally.

No. If you’ve already decided you want to end your marriage, Discernment Counseling isn’t an appropriate service for you.

If you need help developing the courage to assert yourself with your spouse and take actions that feel right and healthy for you, individual therapy can help.

If you would like some referrals for mediators or collaborative divorce attorneys, feel free to reach out.

I’m a Certified Discernment Counselor and I work with married couples on the brink of divorce online all throughout California and Oregon— including Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Oakland, Marin, San Jose and all throughout the San Francisco Bay Area. As long as you are a resident of California or Oregon, we can work together through the convenience of online, video therapy.

Yes. For Discernment Counseling (unlike couples therapy), I don’t require that partners be in the same space together.

If you and/or your spouse aren’t interested in taking a look at your own contributions to the marital issues, Discernment Counseling won’t be helpful for you. Discernment Counseling assumes that no spouse is 100% to blame for the issues in a marriage. Both partners have to be willing to own their part of the co-created relational dynamic for any positive change to happen.