What to do when you have different ‘sex drives?’ Part 2: addressing the higher desire partner

First off, just because you have more sexual desire than your partner, doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, unloveable or ‘too much’. There’s nothing shameful about having a lot of sexual desire. Many people would envy your vivacity! Even though you have a desire difference with your partner, it doesn’t mean that you can’t co-create satisfying sexual experiences and find ways to navigate your different wants.

If you’d like to find ways to invite more sexuality in your relationship with your partner, I suggest reading my previous blog article on the ‘lower desire partner’. Ideally, discuss the article with your mate to get a window into world and learn about what might be getting in the way of desire for them. I’d especially encourage you to look at the section on pressure and ask yourself: Am I doing anything, intentionally or not, to put pressure on my partner to be sexual with me?

Pressure is a huge desire killer. As much as you may want sexual contact with your partner and/or loathe rejection, pressure is a guarantee you either won’t get it or you’ll get a partner who has obligatory sex with you and then resents you. I suggest asking your partner directly: “Is there anything I do that makes you feel pressured to be sexual with me?” This kind of honest conversation can be illuminating.

I also want you to know that even with really good communication, sex, therapy and/or the support of self-help material, you still might want more sex than your partner is available for or wants. Your relationship might never meet all of your sexual desires. That can be a hard thing to face but I do suggest facing it sooner than later. A certain amount of disappointment is a part of all long-term relationships. In real life relationships, we don’t get 100% of what we want. Relationships, just like any commitment in life, involve a trade-off. However, only you can know if you can tolerate a relationship with your partner that has less sexual engagement than you want.

….What are your options then?

Well, you can cultivate a really awesome, super pleasurable solo sex life getting creative with toys, erotica, kinks etc. and learn to fill your own cup in wildly pleasurable ways.

If you’re keen on the idea of consensual non-monogamy, you can ask for an open relationship to have access to more sexual partners.

Or you can break up because, after much self-reflection, you realize that you just can’t be satisfied with the level of sex in your current partnership— no matter how much you love your partner. Of course, most people resist this last choice. And I get it, breaking up is hard. Especially if you have so many other great things going in your relationship. However, coming to terms with the reality of your relationship and making a clear-headed decision about what you’re willing to accept is better done sooner than later. Otherwise, how many more years do you want to live in limbo land? How many more years do you want to resent a reality you can’t wholeheartedly make peace with? 

On the other hand, there may be issues for you to work on with your partner that are connected to their desire for you. I absolutely recommend having in depth conversations with your partner, whether on your own or supported by a quality sex + relationship therapist, about what you’re each wanting to be experiencing with each other and what’s getting in the way. Conversations like that can be eye-opening. You may learn important things that are blocking your partner’s desire— like bad breath, a lack of quality time, feeling pressured (as discussed above) or that your partner doesn’t love the way you go down on them, for example. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have open, transparent conversations with your partner about each of your desires and concerns around sex.

The truth is, a lot of couples struggle to have these kinds of conversations with each other. That’s where sex and relationship therapy comes in. If you’re at a loss for how to have real convos with your beloved about your sex life, I highly recommend seeking professional support from a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy.  If you’d like to work with me specifically, don’t hesitate to reach out! My email is: jenjosephtherapy@gmail.com