What to do when you have different ‘sex drives?’ Part 2: Addressing the higher desire partner
First off, just because you have more sexual desire than your partner, doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, unloveable or that you can’t work with your partner to co-create satisfying sexual experiences and potentially, find healthy ways to navigate your desire discrepancy. If you’d like to find ways to invite more sexuality in your relationship with your partner, I suggest you reading my previous blog article on the ‘lower desire partner’ (ideally with your partner) to potentially get a window into your partner’s needs and what might be getting in the way of desire for them.
I’d especially encourage you to look at the section on pressure and ask yourself: Am I doing anything, intentionally or not, to put pressure on my partner to be sexual with me? Pressure is a huge desire killer. As much as you may want sexual contact with your partner and/or loathe rejection, pressure is a guarantee you either won’t get it or you’ll get a partner having obligatory sex with you but not actually wanting it. I suggest asking your partner directly: “Is there anything I do that makes you feel pressured to be sexual with me?” This kind of honest conversation can be illuminating.
I also want you to know that even with really good communication, sex, therapy and/or the support of self-help material, you still might want more sex than your partner does. Your relationship might not meet all of your sexual desires. And that can be a hard thing to face but I do suggest facing it sooner than later. Only you can know if you can tolerate a relationship with less sexuality than is optimal for you.
What are your options then? Well, you can cultivate a really awesome, super pleasurable solo sex life. You can ask for an open relationship with more sexual partners. Or you can break up because, after much self-reflection, you realize that you just can’t be satisfied with the level of sex in your current partnership— no matter how much you love your partner. Of course, most people resist the last choice. And I get it, breaking up is hard. Especially if you have so many other great things going in your relationship. However, coming to terms with the reality of your relationship and making a clear-headed decision about what you’ll accept and won’t, is better done sooner than later. Otherwise, how many more years do you want to live in limbo land? How many more years do you want to resent a reality you can’t openheartedly tolerate?
On the other hand, there may very well be issues in your emotional and/or sexual connection with your partner that impact how much they want to be sexual with you. I absolutely recommend having in depth conversations with your partner, whether on your own or supported by a quality sex + relationship therapist, about what you’re each wanting to be experiencing with each other and what’s getting in the way. Conversations like that can be eye-opening. You may learn really important things that are blocking your partner’s desire— like bad breath, a lack of quality time, feeling pressured (as discussed above) or that your partner doesn’t love the way you go down on them, for example. It’s soooooo important to have open, transparent conversations with your partner about each of your desires, boundaries, fears etc. around sex.
The truth is, a lot of couples struggle to have those kinds of conversations with each other. That’s where sex and relationship therapy comes in. If you’re at a loss for how to have real convos with your beloved about your sex life, I *highly* recommend seeking professional support from a couples therapist who is also trained in sex therapy. If you’d like to work with me, specifically, don’t hesitate to reach out! My email is: jenjosephtherapy@gmail.com